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Friday
May102013

Everyone struggles with self esteem, even me..

My husband always tells me that I have amazing self-esteem. He says I always just let things roll off the chest. While that certainly is true for a lot of things, it isn't ways true for everything.

I do like myself. I like my life, and generally I'm at peace with the world. But mainly that's because I'm almost always in situations where I'm comfortable. Can you relate?

I've been practicing yoga for almost six months now. I still don't like traditional yoga practice, but Bikram Yoga has done wonders for my mental state and is helping my physical state, too. When I first started going, I was pretty uncomfortable. It was hard to only look at myself in the mirror when I felt so stiff and out of shape. It finally clicked several weeks in, and I was able to only focus on me, and my two eyes in that mirror, usually.

However, I was uncomfortable in my surroundings, and my self confidence was terrible. I was often worried about how stupid I looked. Partly I think it was that particular yoga studio, partly it was just plain old me feeling insecure. I recently switched to a new studio, only because of a deal they were running. Turns out this place is actually more convenient, I can run by for an hour session at lunch, and I even ran into some people that I knew there (fun!) In addition, its sister studio is not far from my house, so I can go there too under the same monthly package.

Furthermore - I LOVE this place after going several times. The instructors do not YELL like they did at the other place. And, today they helped me several times throughout the class with my form. I can tell you I'm more comfortable with this place because I actually wore a tank top to class - usually I wear a running t-shirt. The class size is small (15 people today), mostly really fit young women seem to attend (I have something to aspire to), and it is just the right amount of hot.

Back to my self esteem... My self esteem is mostly good because my whole life I have been surrounded by supportive people, who give me what I need, when I need it. I am not the prettiest, smartest, fastest or thinnest person. I never will be any of those. Why can't I just accept me for me? I accept me for me in all aspects of my life, except one.

I have always had a problem with body image. I have never really been skinny, and never been so obese that I couldn't function. I've always just been somewhere in between. I exercise, I try to mostly eat healthy, and nothing... So that's frustrating. The funny thing is, I don't typically look at someone and think to myself "wow, that person is fat, they should feel terrible about themselves". Only the CEO of Abercrombie feels that way.

I'm 36. I'm not young anymore, but I want to feel young. Which is why I've been spending so many hours a week exercising. My new thirty-day challenge has me working out 10-14 hours a week. It's been tough, but I've already seen results. The rush of a feeling that occurs when you leave the hot yoga room and enter the air conditioned room, makes me feel amazing. Finishing an eight mile long run makes me feel unstoppable. Taking time to focus on meditation and breathing allows me to feel good.

I want to have that self esteem that my husband thinks I have, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I just don't. I'm telling this to the public because it's true - EVERYONE STRUGGLES. Even me. But know that I am going to work every single day to not struggle. And you should too.

Peace.

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Reader Comments (2)

Ah, my amazing sister-in-law!! Bikram is the devil! I absolutely hate Bikram and will only do Hatha. But, in any case, if you focus on your breath, the rest of the room will fade away. Try counting your breaths through each pose. Self-esteem comes with practice, and if you're only focusing on yourself and your breath, you won't stress about the other people in the room (or their opinions). I think you're fantastic, and I'm inspired by everything you do. Keep up the good work, and have fun with it!
May 10, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterN
You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.
May 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

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