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All of me, loves all of me (said in a voice similar to John Legend)

ME, ME, and more ME.  That's what this post is going to be all about.  Me.   Something has been keeping me from writting anything here for months.  Months!  And, I can't quite put my finger on the reason.  I'm sure it will come to me.  Until then... you're going to have to stick with me until the end here, or this post might not come across as I intend. 

Trying to lose weight is like holding your hand over a hot fire.  It is just that painful.  Seriously.  Especially for me!  I have this friend, who I love to death... but she can do Weight Watchers for a few weeks and lose 10 lbs.  She's so obnoxious like that!  And if I didn't like her so much, I would  hate her!  I have another friend who eats everything that is within a 2 mile radius of her mouth and she never gains a pound!  So annoying!

You know, I've totally accepted what I look like.  I love and appreciate my body for what it is. There is so much annoying talk about... it's not about the weight it's about being healthy, blah blah blah.  All sizes look great, blah, blah, blah.  Your weight can't define you, blah, blah, blah. And you know what, I do firmly beleive those things except when it comes to me.  Yep, I said it.  I BELIEVE ALL THOSE THINGS WHEN IT IS ABOUT YOUR BODY, BUT NOT MINE! And it's not what my body looks, like -- I spend my time practically naked at the beach!   


Over the past year, I had completey stopped taking my medication for Diabetes.  Seriously!  AND my A1C has been in normal range the entire time.  However, during that same time period, I have gained 15 lbs.  An annoying 15 lbs.  It's annoying because I was doing so great.  Here's the thing, I was so happy and focused on stopping the medication, that I didn't even begin to consider (even though my Dr. mentioned it was a possibility) that this may have adverse effects on my body.  I did weight watchers with said friend mentioned above for months, I lost MAYBE 7 lbs the entire time that I was doing it with her, which got me to the 15 I still need to lose.  I tried exercising more, I tried eating less, I tried eating more, I tried exercising less.  It just didn't work.

About a month ago, I decided to go to a different specialist and get help. I made an appointment with the Vanderbilt Medical weight Loss group.  They have a whole team of people to help me out.  First, they determined that my metabolism WAS SLOW!  BLAH! That ALL of my blood work was perfectly healthy, no thyroid or diabetes issues, perfect blood pressure.  I have a resting heart rate of 62, which apparently means I have good fitness.  After speaking with the exercise specialist, I realized I have pretty good fitness, but I'm just not fit.  After speaking to the dietician, I realized I'm eating all the right things, except that I need to eat more protein.  After speaking with the dr. I realized my body is suffering from insulin intolerance even though my A1C is normal.  This is causing my body to GAIN weight rather than lose it.  All this to say, I'm back on the medication as of yesterday.  I'm back to giving myself shots in the stomach daily, I'm back to those little bruises all over my tummy.  Also, once my bout of allergies passes, I'm back to the exercise I was once doing.  Let's hope for the best!

A couple weeks ago, I went to the mall to look for a new Easter dress. I'm the same size as the average American woman.  I find that kind of hard to believe sometimes when I look around, becasuse I do not feel average.  After trying on several dresses, I found one that was a cross between an Easter Egg and a blooming flower and seemed to fit perfectly for the spring season. It was kind of at that  moment that I realized - I just bought a ridiculous blue flower dress, that in the fashion world is considered plus size, even though It isn't plus size, and I was cool!  I was cool with it.  Totally.

See it's not about the weight.  I know how much I weigh.  I know what I look like. I accept what I look like.  I know that I absolutely hate my flabby fat stomach and I hate any and all stretch marks from being pregnant, but I also know that I can run a mile in about 10 minutes, I know that I can finish half-marathons, I know that I can get through tortoursly awesome yoga classes, I know that I can wear a ridiculous blue dress for Easter in the average American size, I know I am beautiful.  I know all that. So, what I really want, is I want is to be healthy.  For once in my adult life, I don't want to deal with being diabetic.  I don't want to have to struggle with trying to lose weight.  I WANT to eat that thing I haven't eaten.  I don't want to eat fish, I want pasta for crying out loud!  In order to beat this insulin intolerance issue I'm fighting now, I have to lose weight, that's the only way to make it go away. And it's hard, and it's making me really grumpy!  Really, really grumpy.  So when you hear me say I'm trying to lose weight, it's not because I don't like the way I look, it's because for once, I need to be healthy. 

And right now, all I want is cake. Delicious, delicious cake.



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