« Like a tree, give yourself freedom to be flexible... | Main | I feel like a failure »
Saturday
Aug152015

The day I decided to take a break from yoga

It wasn't until I compared these two pictures from 2012 and 2015, that I realized how much I actually have changed, appearance wise.  Everyone who knows me, or knows a little bit about me, has heard about my struggle with diabetes. In 2013, I was finally able to lose some weight, 45lbs to be exact, which I talked about here.  I was able to get my A1C (test to determine the amount of glucose in my blood) in check, which I talked about here and here.  Since I started this journey, I have lost over 50 pounds, I have gotten stronger, I began practicing regular yoga and I feel better.  

Now brace yourself for this next picture, because even after losing all those pounds, I have to deal with this:

I'm not vain.  In reality, I know that it doesn't matter what my body looks like, it matters what my soul looks like. But that reality sometimes is difficult to grasp. This is the part of my body that I hate the most.  Even though I will wear a bikini at the beach (I mean, why not?!?) and I have no problems changing in a locker room, I still hate this part of me... this fat roll that won't leave... (the worst of it you can't see in this photo)  I can't wear certain dresses because I feel like they look terrible. I can't do certain yoga postures without that fat getting in the way.  I struggle with body image nearly every day. Sometimes, I think it makes me feel better to show photos like these, so people understand my stuggle more...  I wrote about my struggle back in 2013, here, and in 2014 here. For goodness sakes, why does it matter? I do not look at other women and judge them by their appearance.  It just matters to me. 

I tapered myself off of my diabetes medication in 2014 since I was doing so well, only to gain weight and begin to have blood sugar issues again. After feeling like a complete failure,  I started back on the medication in late April, and began a new exercise and diet program.  (Note: that bruise on my stomach is from the shots that I give myself) Ninety days later, and I am finally reaping the benefits of the medication and exercise.  See, it's really hard to lose weight when you are diabetic.  I've lost only 5 lbs, and I still can't run fast.  I go back next week to the Doctor for my quarterly blood work.  I'm dreading going, because I don't want bad news...

Now, here's where I get to the title of this post: The day I decided to take a break from yoga... Yoga was good to me, it helped me focus, it helped me relieve stress. I had several successful 30 day challenges where yoga was involved.  I feel like I owe a lot of my success to my fight with diabetes to yoga. However, yoga kicked my butt.  Sometimes I was able to at least reach my feet in camel, sometimes I couldn't.  Sometimes I had a hard time just grabbing my ankle in standing bow, sometimes it was a breeze.  I never really got into the "setting intentions" or "just be" part of the practice.  I did it so that I could be healthy.  I did it because, hot yoga is torture.  And that torture felt good and was what I needed.  This morning, I received notice that my annual membership was expiring. Something happened that made me realize, I couldn't go back there.  I had been thinking about taking a break anyway, but I decided right then and called to let them know I'm not going to renew.  I'm going to take a break.  I think need a change of scenery.  This break might be 30 days, it might be 30 years, but I need something different right now. I'm hopeful this is the right choice.  

Sometimes, one little choice sets off a whole chain reaction for good things to come. I know I'll come back to yoga, but for now I know it will understand I need to try a different path.  I'm just hopeful it's the right path... 

Yoga, I'll see you soon.

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments

There are no comments for this journal entry. To create a new comment, use the form below.

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
All HTML will be escaped. Hyperlinks will be created for URLs automatically.